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*screams* We’re all DOOMED! *sobs* People are breathing out this living poison! It's trying to float into my orifices! I lost my car keys! I had to steal my neighbor’s Segway to get here today, and on the way I crashed in this dumpster, and these kids were making a video and now I’m on TikTok! I can't... Excuse me. Yeah? Being not hysterical? Despite, you know, things? Oh. I can do that. Dignified!

Gentlemen, welcome to the first Presidential Debate. Our first question, in the key of G sharp minor is:
Skoo-doot-in-do-dit
Do-be-did-in-bibbida-bobbida-boo, baba-do-dit
Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-doo-datten-do-de-do-din-bow-boo-sho-pa-ja-kow-bop-in-do-dee

I’m so sorry

2020's a raging Hellscape!
Any ideas on how to stop a worldwide plague?

We should be providing people the help they need
He knew back in February it was a deadly disease. What did he do? He’s on tape acknowledging he knew
Really?
He waited and waited and waited. And he didn’t even tell you
President Trump did a phenomenal job. People said that
Well
We got the gowns. We made the ventilators we got the masks. I don’t wear masks like him---every time you see him he’s got a mask---the biggest mask I’ve ever seen. (the biggest mask I’ve ever seen.)
Will we get back all the jobs we lost?
Or should we set up eleven million Etsy shops?
My economic plan would create one trillion dollars in economic growth
He has no intention of making it better for you all at home
I brought back football! It was me!  (me!)
What?
Big 10 Football - and I'm very happy
Who's it gonna be...
They wanna take out the cows... (the cows!)
In the West Wing?
Now here's the deal:
He has no idea what he's talking about

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