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Simple
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Stephen Sondheim
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How are you gonna separate them? According to the principles of logic! Logic? Gra** is green, sky is blue False is false and true is true Who is who? You are you, I'm me! Simple? Simple? Simple? Simple as A-B-C Simple as one-two-three! But who on that line is what? One is one, two is two Who is what and which is who? No one's always what they seem to be That's certainly true For example, you sir, with the manly good looks. Would you come forward please, Mr. Hapgood? I thought you were Hapgood? Calling the patient by my name, he identifies with me immеdiately, we have an instant transfеrence and thereby save five years of psychoa***ysis! Brilliant! What happens if I call you Hoover Hooper? Shall we dance? Now then, Mr. Hapgood— Call me Happy, sir. Or George All right, Georgie Thank you, George Thank you. Now when we were a child, that is, when you were a child, a boy—you were a boy? I was a manly little fellow, sir Then I'm sure there was a saying you learned that you have used ever since to govern your life? A motto, a watchcry! A watchcry. Yes, sir (sung) "I am the master of my fate And the captain of my soul" Good, Hapgood! Now then: married? Yes, sir Two children? Yes, sir Two TV sets? Yes, sir Two martinis? Yes, sir Bank on Friday? Yes, sir Golf on Saturday? Yes, sir Church on Sunday? Yes, sir Do you vote? Yes, sir (sung) Only for the man who wins Only for the man who wins Only for the man who— All right. Headaches? No, sir Backaches? No, sir Heartaches? No, sir Thank you, Hapgood. Group A. Over there, please What's Group A? Obviously mad as a hatter Magruder! Place the Cookie under arrest Just a moment! George—do you ever wonder whether you're real? Oh, No, sir, I know I'm not Group One. Over there, please What is this? I don’t know, but it’s brilliant! But which group is what? It’s very simple (sung) Gra** is green, sky is blue A is one, group one is two One is one, oh, one is A, you see Gra** is green, sky is blue One is one and A is too No. A is One and one is, too No, one and one Is always two to me! (No, one is green) (A is blue) (No, A is green) (One can be in) (One is blue) (No, One is one) I don’t agree (A, you see) (A is “out” and) (A is one group) A is you and (A is crazy) (One is “in”) (Too) Me (Maybe) (I agree) (See?) A woman's place is in the home A woman's place is in the house And home is where you hang your hat And that is where you hang your spouse A woman's place is in the home Dear Mr. And Mrs. Hapgood— Oh, we're not married, Doctor. He's June and I'm John. I mean she's John and I’m June June and John are engaged! John's my secretary June used to be my secretary, but his corporation went bust And her syndicate took over Well, it would all be in the family if you got married! But John can't support June Every cent John makes goes to pay for June's dinners Why doesn't June give John a raise? He's not worth it! I see. And neither of you wants John to stay home and do the housekeeping because— Because A woman's place is in the home A woman's place is on the shelf And home is where he hangs her hat And that is where she hangs himself Group? A Magruder! One A woman's place is in the home A woman’s place is in the house I'm the master of my fate and the captain of my soul A woman’s place is in the home If at first you don't succeed, try, try again Beauty is only skin deep You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear A woman's place is in the house Fly now, pay later, fly now, pay later A woman’s place is in the house Never look a gift horse in the mouth Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies Handsome is as handsome does You always hurt the one you love Seeing is believing Stop the music! A man crossed over That was a woman Oh Group One (sung) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Now wait. Are they all Cookies? If you could produce someone who is sane, present company excluded, of course You can't judge a book by its cover No, you can't judge a book by its cover You can't judge a book by how literate it look No, You can't judge a book by its cubber Occupation? Going to schools, riding in buses, eating in restaurants Isn't that line of work getting rather easy? Not for me. I'm Jewish. Group A, would you say? Group one's more fun Crazy! Group A Group one It's maddening! What's the difference between them? It's obvious (sung) The opposite of dark is bright The opposite of bright is dumb So anything that's dark is dumb But they sure can hum Hum! The opposite of dark is bright (Hum! Hum! Hum!) The opposite of bright is dumb (Hum! Hum! Hum!) So anything that's dark is dumb That's the rule of thumb! Depends where you're from! Simple? Simple? Simple? Simple as A-B-C Simple? Simple? Simple? Simple as N-A-A-C-P! I get the point, Comptroller Hapgood Oh, shut up and get in Group A Who's that? My brother-in-law But he's not a pilgrim, and he's not a Cookie, Hapgood, what was he doing on the line? Oh, every fool wants a miracle. Hapgood! Who is on that line? Doctor, you are not doing what we want you to! You’re right. Look here, Hapgood, darling (sung) Gra** is green, sky is blue I'll join any group with you Schub's a boob and you belong to me! Simple? Simple? Simple as one-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three (Get back!) One-two-three One-two-three One-two-three (Your honor!) One-two-three One-two-three (Cora!) He’s taking over! They turn into him. Stop it! Watchcry! I am the master of my fate and the captain of— (A woman's place is in the home. A woman’s place—) (Beauty is only skin deep—) (Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no—) (Never look a gift horse in the—) (Seeing is believing! Seeing is believing! Seeing is believing!) (An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of—) (An apple a day, an apple a day, an apple a day keeps the doctor a—) Rub your stomachs! Good, good Watchcry! I am the master of my fate and the captain of— (A woman's place is in the home. A woman’s place—) (If at first you don’t succeed, try, try a—) (Handsome is as handsome does, handsome is as—) (You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, you can’t make—) (Fly now, pay later, fly now—) (Never change horses in mid—) (Never let your right hand know what your left hand is do—) (If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride; if wishes were horses—) Pat your heads, Hello! Hello! Good Hello! Hello! Reverse! Good Hello! Hello! That's good, good, good, Comptroller Dammit! I adore games! Watchcry! Hello! He's boring from within Watchcry! Communist! You would say that (sung) The opposite of left is right The opposite of right is wrong So anyone who's left is wrong, right? Good, good Hello! Hello! Simple? Simple? Simple? Simple as A-B-C Simple as one-two- Three cheers for the red, white and blue Watchcry! Look here, I'm the chief of— Watchcry! Ours not to reason why Ours but to do or die Sergeant Magruder reporting, sir! Occupation? Fighting the enemy What enemy? What year? Yesterday The Germans: Heil! The day before The Germans: Heil! Today The Germans: Hail! Tomorrow Hail! Heil! Hail? Heil? Hail? Group A Heil? Group One Hail? Heil? Hail? Heil? You're just making him seem crazy, but he's twisted I mean, he's being twisted Gra** is blue, sky is green Change of time is change of scene What you meant is what you mean (spoken) Watchcry! Hallelujah! (spoken) Now listen, brother Occupation? Preacher, er, Treasurer Ah, you were a preacher, Hapgood I'm a treasurer, Cooley, I mean— They threw you out of your pulpit Brother— Because you were crazy Because I believed! In being treasurer? In God, and they only believe in religion And that made you crazy, Hapgood I am not crazy, Cooley! No, you're crazy, Hapgood I am not Cooley, I-I mean, I’m not crazy, I'm Hapgood! Are you sure? I am completely Schub! He's crazy Thank you. Group A. Watchcry! Watchcry! Watchcry! I am the master of my fate and the captain of— (A woman's place is in the home. A woman’s place—) (Beauty is only skin deep—) (Never look a gift horse in the—) (Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no—) (An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of—) (Seeing is believing! Seeing is believing! Seeing is believing!) (You can fool some of the people some of—) (An apple a day, an apple a day, an apple a day keeps the doctor a—) (Ours not to reason why, ours but to do or die. Ours not to reason why—) (I am the master of my fate—) (A woman's place is in the home—) (Handsome is as handsome does—) (If at first you don’t succeed—) (You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s—) (Never change horses in—) (Fly now, pay later—) (Never let your right hand know what your left hand—) (If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride—) (Hallelujah! Hallelu—) I don't have one, Cooley! Ah, ha! Hapgood, we are going to end all this right here and now. My dear Treasurer, I mean, Doctor, dammit! Right now: which group is— Two questions One answer Just two little questions, Schub, and you'll know which group is what Where does most of your money go? I hardly think— Where does most of your money go, Hapgood? In taxes Good. What do you think of someone who makes a product and doesn't use it? He's crazy Hello! Hello! Most of your money goes to the government in taxes What does the government do with most of the money? Makes bombs Reverse! Good. Hello! Hello! But you say to make a product and not to use it is crazy Isn't that what you said, Comptroller Cooley? And, doesn't that make you crazy for letting them waste your money, Treasurer Schub? Reverse! But perhaps the government is making bombs because it means to use the product Which means everyone will be killed, Hapgood. Including you, Schub! Both together now! Which means, you are paying most of your money to have yourself killed Which means, my dear Doctor, Comptroller, Mayor Schub, you are the maddest of all! Watchcry! Help! Watchcry! Brilliant! Watchcry! Gra** is green, sky is blue The opposite of left is right (Gra** is green) The opposite of right is wrong (Sky is blue) Simple? Simple? Simple? (The opposite of left is right) (Gra** is green) Simple as A-B-three (The opposite of right is wrong) (Sky is blue) Simple as one-two-C (Simple? Simple? Simple?) (The opposite of left is right) As gra** is green (Simple as A-B-three) (The opposite of right is wrong) As sky is blue (As one-two-C) (Simple? Simple? Simple? Simple as A-B-) As simple as the opposite of left is right! (as (three) the opposite of right) Is wrong! Is right! Is wrong! Is right! Is wrong! Is A! Is one! Is A! Is one! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Good! Good! Good! (One is A!) Good! (A is one!) One is A! A is One is A is gra** is who is opposite of what is green is Safe is opposite of dark is opposite of simple which is Watchcry! Watchcry! Watchcry! Watchcry! One is one! Two is two! Who is what and which is who? Who is what? (Who is what?) Which is who? (Who is what?) Who is what? (Which is who?) (Who is what?) Which is who? (Which is who?) Which is who? (Which is who?) (Which) Which is who? (Which is who) Which is who? (Which is who?) (Is) Which is who? (Which is) Who is who? You are all mad
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