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How I Saved Roosevelt
por
Stephen Sondheim
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That was President-elect Franklin D. Roosevelt, ladies and gentlemen, speaking to a crowd of supporters here in Miami's beautiful Bayfront Park. A group of notables are pressing in around the President-elect's car. There's Mayor Anton Cermak of Chicago, and... There's been a shot! I can't see—wait! Mr. Roosevelt is waving! He's all right! But Mayor Cermak has been hit! The police have somebody in custody. An immigrant—Giuseppe Zangara. We take you now to a group of eyewitnesses who will tell us what they saw! We're crowded up close And I see this guy He's squeezing by I catch his eye I say to him, "Where do you Think you are trying to go, boy? Whoa, boy!" I say, "Listen, you runt You're not pulling that stunt— No gentleman pushes their way to the front" I say, "Move to the back!", which he does with a grunt— Which is how I saved Roosevelt! Then—! Well, I'm in my seat I get up to clap I feel this tap I turn—this sap He says he can't see I say, "Find a lap And go sit On it!" Which is how I saved—! Then—! He started to swear And he climbed on a chair He was aiming a gun— I was standing right there— So I pushed it as hard as I could in the air—! Which is how I saved Roosevelt! Lucky I was there! That's why he was standing back so far! That's why when he aimed, he missed the car! Just lucky I was there! Or we'd have been left Bereft Of FDR! You think that I scare? No scare You think that I care? No care I look at the world— No good. No fair. Nowhere. When I am a boy No school I work in a ditch No chance The smart and the rich Ride by Don't give no glance Ever since then, because of them I have the sickness in the stomach Which is the way I make my idea To go out and kill Roosevelt First I was figure I kill Hoover I get even for the stomach Only Hoover up in Washington Is winter time in Washington Too cold for the stomach in Washington— I go down to Miami, kill Roosevelt No laugh! No funny! Men with the money They control everything Roosevelt, Hoover No make-a no difference You think I care who I kill? I no care who I kill Long as it's king! The crowd's breaking up When I hear these shots And I mean lots— I thought I'd plotz! I spotted him— My stomach was tied in knots— So I barreled— Harold—! No, what happened was this: He was blowing a kiss— She means Roosevelt I was saying to Harold, "This weather is bliss!" When you think that we might have missed Seeing him miss—! Lucky we were there! It was a historical event— —Worth every penny that we spent Just lucky we were there! To think, if I'd let him get up closer—! I saw right away he was insane— Oh, this is my husband, we're from Maine He told me to sit, but I said, "No, sir!" This makes our vacation a real success! Are you with the press? Yes Oh God, I'm a mess! Some left-wing foreigner, that's my guess— No! And wasn't the band just fantastic? No left! You think I am left? No left, no right No anything! Only American! Zangara have nothing No luck, no girl Zangara no smart, no school But Zangara no foreign tool Zangara American! American nothing! And why there no photographers? For Zangara no photographers! Only capitalists get photographers! No right! Lucky I was there! I'm on the front page, is that bizarre? And all of those pictures, like a star! Just lucky I was there! We might have been left bereft of F— No fair Nowhere! So what? No sorry! And soon no Zangara! Who care? Pull switch! No care No more No— —D— R!
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