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This is the national broadcasting network!

Camera two, go!

Come join us for the show, folks!
Come join us for a tale of calamity!
Come join us for the scoop!

It's no surprise the world relies
(Ooh)
Upon the guys from Motorwise!
(Ooh)

Come along and join us!

Te quiero, America!

Come join us for the glow, folks!
Resulting from a nuclear tragedy!
Come join us in the goop!
This high school goo is brought to you
(Ooh)
By all those who wear...
(Ooh)

Green and blue!

Come along and join us --
Tonight!

Camera three, go!

Jonny Warner, age eighteen
Tell us of this age old scene:
Boy meets girl
Boy gets dumped
Boy then takes a headlong dive

Leaving all the critics stumped
Boy comes back from death alive!
Girl's upset, boy's perplexed
No one knows what happens next
Seems his happy ending
Is, uh, pending!
Camera two, go!

Now Jonny's feeling low, folks
Returned, he's found his life's a catastrophe
He's landed in the soup

His love is true for you-know-who
(Ooh)
As ours is, too, for
(Ooh)

Serving you!
Come along and join us --
Tonight!

Camera three, go!

So you say your girl's in a stew, Jonny boy
Put off by your toxic veneer
So you say it's probably through, Jonny boy
But where do you go from here?
Where do you go from here?
Well...

We'll be back for that answer right after this brief commercial message! And here's Ramona Merengue with a word from True Blue Cigarettes -- now with breath-freshening menthol!

Camera two, go!

True Blue
Only one nickel a box
True Blue
(Psst! Hey, sweetheart, I need you to do me a favor. You know this place?)
("Our Lady of Divine Masochism?")
Filtered for your health
(Yeah, it's a Catholic orphanage. I need the phone number.)
(What do I look like, your errand boy? Do it yourself.)
There's nothing like a True Blue smoke!

I love a True Blue...
(cough)
... Man!

So the question, Mr. Warner
Now that push has come to shove
Should you go on chasing dreams
Or should you say good-bye to love?

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