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Funny How Things Turn Out
par
Victoria Wood
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Of all the letters that make me ill The rates, demand, a telephone bill The ones that bring me really low Are the ones from girls I used to know The girls at school you didn't like much Have a terrible urge to keep in touch Those of whom you were not fond Relentlessly wield the Basildon Bond Remember Bobbie Field? I won the drama shield An Enbrel actress and terribly thin Very ambitious, determined to win Auditioned for Rada, and didn't get in Funny how things turn out I got my Equity Card But the life was awfully hard I advertised cat food for years, which was hell Did Equus at Windsor which didn't go well And I asked for my key at the Crossroads Motel Funny how things turn out Though my kids are three, four and five I still keep my mind alive I've started to write and I'm making some headway With humourous verses for Radio Medway My faith in myself is still devout Whenever I find I've a minute to kill I drive to the hospital up on the hill And sing Lerner and Loewe to the mentally ill Funny how things turn out Remember Jennifier Hill? I was the first on the pill A bit of a hippy and into tie-dye Trekked to Morocco, got ever so high Then I married a man from ICI Funny how things turn out We moved to Tufnell park With a cat called Muriel Spark I came off the pill cause it made me depressed I hated the cap, and the coil and the rest So I've three in the infants and two on the breast Funny how things turn out Now I sit from dawn to dusk Covered in snot and Farley's rusk I look back on the days of my youth and my passion Wishing that loon pants would come back in fashion And wondering what it's all about The doctor's advice has been largely ignored We did try the sheath but we got very bored So I'm writing to you from the labour ward Funny how things turn out Remember Brenda James? I was captain of games I practised all day till my muscles were sore Hockey was super, and boys were a bore Didn't use Tampax till '74 Funny how things turn out At college I read sport But socially things were fraught I refused to have sex with a man called Des He went around calling me Brenda the Lez So I slept with a girl in my Hall of Res Funny how things turn out I came out at a Lesbians' Ball Didn't feel glad to be gay at all Whoever said that, Tom Robinson was it? I couldn't agree, and got back in the closet Then saw the light and had no doubt I took all my savings and just disappeared And found a nice doctor who said "You're not weird" Now I'm Jonathan James, with a wonderful beard Funny how things turn out
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