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In the alley behind my parents house, you tell me you need one blow job a day to be happy
par
Olivia Gatwood
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and i disappear from oncoming traffic into your lap. you say some people need coffee, i need this. and i think to myself, it’s simple, really. i do plenty of things once a day. shower, set my alarm, call my father to tell him i am safe what is love if not being needed, and unzipping your throat, if not letting the rats underneath the sink live, because it is the middle of winter? when you say, now you mean here and tomorrow here will be your bedroom floor a gas station parking lot, the dumpster s behind my high school soon, the velvet of being desired begins to harden and i sculpt a new, doughy mantra to pa** the time i think, it takes three weeks to form a habit which means twenty one days until it is as simple as brushing my teeth. like any girl good at her job, i will teach my tastebuds to cover their ears develop some hack to tame the gag and share it with all of my friends and, i do, of course i do, but your body becomes immune to the gift i can tell because you stopped flinching and stayed mad even after i was finished i know, i know i got lazy, i’m sorry i can’t bind my mouth into something tighter so the needs mutate into a tumor with a face and teeth and hands and soon i am swallowing your pillow tending to the rug burn on my palms and knees, i think, twenty one more days until i master the art of separating brain from body until i am the girl in the magician’s box whose upper torso rolls away from her hips with ease and i do, of course i do, but you know the drill, the need, the immunity, the tumor, the habit, and soon, you want it twice you want it four times you want it in the middle of the night but i am asleep but you want it so i wake up watch this i learn how to not wake up while its happening i teach myself to lock the door of my dreams and stay there until morning i detach like a cla**room skeleton piece by piece i share the trick s with the curious girl in geometry. asleep? she says. and stops laughing. yes. i say. isn’t that the best part about it?
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