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Trains & Sharks
par
Neil Cicierega
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My basement, uh Gonna show you my beautiful basement Where the concrete floor feels cool to the touch I'll turn up the heat if it's too much I'll turn on the light bulb on the wire Turn on the dehumidifier I'm serious when I flick this next switch Look you in the eye, and I say "check this" Jaws, the shark, a-lurking in the dark Of the depths of the sea, one day on a lark Decides to get rowdy, get real violent Takes a vay-cay out to Amity Island Sunshine, lotion, fun in the sun Blood in thе ocean, everybody run! 'Causе it's crazy how few f**ks this shark gives He'll eat naked ladies! He'll eat little kids! Oh no! My trains, uh My trains, uh I got small ones, tiny little trains I come down here just to get away My trains, ah My trains, ah It's like magic, magic trains I wish these trains could take me away But the one thing keeping the community safe (Chugga chugga woo-woo) Is a guy named Brody and his pal Richard Dreyfuss Jaws don't know that a storm's gonna come (Chugga chugga woo-woo) He just wants everyone to be his chum! (Get it? Get it?) (Chugga chugga woo-woo) The mayor don't care if the townsfolk die He doesn't wanna spoil the fourth of July (Chugga chugga woo-woo) He's like, "Everyone cool it, and go for a swim!" (But holy sh*t, here comes that fin) In the club, the Model Railroad Club (Singin' Jaws is here) A motherf**ker said sh*t about my trains Might as well have took a sh*t on my brain 'Cause I went insane I laid track on his ass with a styrofoam bat But the president never did let me back after that sh*t, I said, "f**k you Who the f**k needs a punk ass choo-choo crew anywho?" Long story short, the beach gets closed The mayor's like, "Okay, yeah, this blows" Suddenly Jaws has got a price on his head But the wrong little shark baby ends up dead My trains, uh My trains, uh I got small ones, tiny little trains I come down here just to get away My trains, uh M-m-m-m-my trains, uh It's like magic, magic trains I wish these trains could take me awa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a It was Jaws' little brother, now he's p*ssed! (Chugga chugga woo-woo) The mayor just shot to the top of his list He sneaks in his house in the middle of the night (Chugga chugga woo-woo) And he eats that f**ker in a single bite! Golly I lie here every night I feel like if I focus And think of getting smaller I'll gradually get smaller And if I get small enough My trains will seem much bigger And I'll be the conductor The tiniest conductor OH! Then whatchu gonna do? Then whatchu gonna do? Whatchu gonna do then, huh? Whatchu gonna do? Whatchu gonna do? Whatchu gonna do when I'm f**king small Like one inch tall You won't see me coming at all When I crawl into your ear late at night Yeah, you heard me right motherf**ker, sleep tight And you think I'm just another bad dream But I'm a tiny little man in your bloodstream Little hands hold an artery shut Yeah, that's right motherf**ker, then what? Now the mayor's dead, so Brody's in charge He knows the real killer is still at large So he and the Dreyfuss make a decision They're going on a mission, they're gonna go fishin' A man named Quint lets them use his boat On the condition that he be the one to cut Jaws' throat 'Cause he was a sailor back in World War II And Jaws ate his entire crew, woah! (My trains) Jaws is here! Here is Jaws! (He is a shark without a cause) He was in a movie, a movie called Jaws! (My trains) Jaws is here! (Ah-ah-ah) Here is Jaws! (Oo-uh-oh) (He is a shark who fights the law) He was in a movie that everyone saw My trains, uh (They're out on the sea, they wait all night) My trains, uh (Where could Jaws be? He's nowhere in sight) I got small ones. Tiny little trains (Dreyfuss decides to go down in a cage) I come down here just to get away (And Jaws shows up in a full-on rage!) My trains, uh (He tears up the cage like paper in a shredder) My trains, uh (While Dreyfuss makes his wet suit wetter) They're like magic. Magic trains (He hides behind a rock like a cowardly prick) I wish these trains could take me away (And he doesn't come back until the end of the flick) Brody's like, "We're gonna need a bigger boat," (Chugga chugga woo-woo) So they go back home and get a bigger boat (My trains) The biggest boat that's ever sailed (Chugga chugga woo-woo) Gonna kick Jaws' ass, or I guess, his tail (My trains) Yeah, his tail But oh my sh*t!
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