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The String of Pearls
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June 9th, 1958 Detective Turrano, Detective Castillo and I Had been private investigators In the city for three years We worked tirelessly around the clock To keep the sc*m of society off the streets And by tirelessly I mean it was exhausting And I f**king hated it Our office was our home We ate there, slept there And on occasion Brought foxy ladies to get some mad puss All in the name of justice of course Boy, don’t act like you’ve had sex in our office The pillow you practice kissing on Wouldn’t even let you smash Nah, I’ve totally gotten laid in here That couch has been dampened With the juices of a good time Who did you f**k in here? Give me one name and I’ll believe you Uhh… I don’t wanna say Augh uh yeah That's what I thought Anyway, June 9th, 1958 The day we faced a mystery most mystifying Of foul play most foul Somebody knocked Great observation, no sh*t Sherlock You don’t have to be rude Just open the door Okay, I’mma open the door Hold up, wait! Then Saverio tackles me onto the floor What the f**k man? I think that this could be a trap of some sort Who the hell comes here at eight in the morn? What the hell do you mean? I mean that this could be A part of some criminal’s villainous scheme We’ve caught a lot of bad guys Made a lot of enemies Someone could want revenge And my gut is telling me Not to let this guy in Turrano You're making a lot of a**umptions It’s probably a client I open the door to discover The face of my former lover Flashback plays in my head like a picture show Whole thing started ‘bout a year ago When I met her I was on my way to get coffee Asked her name, she said... Audrey She's into music, paintings, burgers Also she f**ked like a monster, holy sh*t I can’t believe I was tapping that I’m pitching a tent Just thinking bout those ma**ive… Detective What are you staring at? Huh? Excuse me My eyes are up here Wait no! I wasn’t staring at your... I was thinking about some Other Sh*t… Anyway, why are you here? Something dreadful has happened! I need you to help… Um… Is there any particular reason Those two are laying On top of each other on the floor? Sav! Get the f**k off me! Brandon and Saverio try to play it cool As if they didn’t just Remind us all of Gomorrah and Sodom Mike covers up his obvious erection And Brandon chimes in with a... So, what seems to be the problem? It’s a really ridiculous story It’s insane, but you’ve got to believe it What happened? My husband awoke in the morning To find that his face had been covered in semen F**king what? Brandon, quit laughing I’m sorry but something about The thought of waking up With a mysterious hot wad of jizz on your face Is pretty f**king funny I apologize for him But at any rate We need to hear more specifics of the case For instance You said that your husband’s the victim As in, you have a husband? You’re married? Like, off the market? Yes, my husband was screaming It sounded as if he was dying I found him lying on the floor crying In fetal position Covered in testicular drippings And I didn’t know what to do Well, where did it come from? I don’t have clue Well, it's gotta be someone's Perhaps it was his I love him but trust me His d**k ain’t that big This is a mystery Vicious and errant But I wonder The victim, your husband Why isn’t he here? Well, he’s far too embarra**ed To talk about even a word of what happened Psh, I bet He doesn’t even know that I’m here But this criminal has to be thwarted Find me the f**ker who came on my man And I promise you three will be greatly rewarded Uh, can you give us a second? Of course Yo, she totally just offered us a foursome If we crack this case! She said nothing like that, Castillo Body language, Moore! Her lips said reward But her eyes said Three throbbing man pills All over my body You still convinced this is some convict Trying to get revenge on us, Turrano? Okay, I was wrong about that She’s definitely telling the truth I’ve been reading the news There have actually been Three other reports of men Waking up with jean cream on their faces So we can’t talk to Audrey’s husband Because he’s too macho To talk about having baby batter in his beard But there’s three other guys We can get clues from Castillo, get the rolodex And figure out where we can find them On it Audrey? Yes? Stay here in our office We've got a case to crack First victim on the case we gotta crack Local rockabilly singer By the name of Scotty Black I found him in the trailer That he uses for a home Cause he barely makes a living off his music I knock knocked and his door and he said You’re not my ecstasy dealer Okay lemme try that again I said My name is Detective Turrano And I’m here to ask you A couple of questions He came back to the door and said Are you a cop? I’m a private investigator I’m not a cop Okay, good Come on inside What do you need? I’m here to ask about the time That you woke up with your face All covered in nut Okay that sh*t was f**ked up Every night when I’m done with the show I go back to my trailer With a bunch of hoes We get super drunk And we all smash This surprised me Considering his music is trash The last time that we all got busy I woke up in the morning With my mouth all jizzy And even though I was highly intoxicated I swear that I was the only man there I see Does anybody know about the orgies? Everybody knows about the orgies They used to be a secret Before she found out Wait, who is this you’re talking bout? My fiancé Ex-fiancé She had the biggest t**s I ever laid eyes on But she walked in on me F**king half a dozen other women at a time Now that girl’s long gone She kept her key to my trailer though To me that means there’s a ray of hope That she might come back to me one day, and... Nope You f**ked up pretty bad, dude She prolly threw that key in the trash, dude Just being real You f**ked six other people She prolly isn’t considering coming back, dude That prolly isn’t something You should get attached to Sorry I guess that’s true I should write a song about that Lemme get my guitar real quick Please don’t You left With a key Never gonna come back Misery Scotty! I got the sh*t! Hurry up I think I might have been tailed Who the f**k is that? That’s my ecstasy dealer Stop two on the track to answers Impressionist painter Named Jackson Krasner He’s got a studio at the edge of the city So I went there in a cab Hoping he would chat with me I knock knocked on his door and he said Tony? You’re here sooner than expected I told him My name is Detective Moore And I’m here to ask you A couple of questions Oh, I don’t have time for an interview I’m a hurry I’ve got more important sh*t to do I’m sorry, is justice a disturbance? Oh fine, talk to me while I’m working I get distracted when I glance at his canvas And it’s just splatters of paint I don’t understand it So I ask him What does this mean? Ah, allow me to paint you a scene I could never be in love Maybe for the inspiration I’d pretend to I started dating and painting a lady And then a few exhibits made a fortune There were many men Who’d commission naked portraits of her Telling me to send n***s She had these immaculate breasts That practically leapt Onto the canvas and back again Living the life Cashing that check Having the best pa**ionate sex Until the day she got mad and she left While he was explaining He very casually continued his painting By taking his brush And waving it front to back With a quick thrusting action And it honestly looked like He was jacking his d**k And I have to admit It was distracting a bit Like, why’s he gotta be so f**king weird I can tell by the way he acts This guy’s the final nail in the coffin proving Artists are f**king maniacs Then he said Without her I needed a fresh start So I made a habit out of sleeping the park You know what they say About nature and art Maybe if I got in touch with the Earth It would unlock an unharnessed art in my head But I ended up soaking in splewage instead It was wretched But in my reflection I saw an opportunity for expression So I harnessed inspiration From the embarra**ment felt In the splattering pattern To bring forth a style that’s never been done And that is the essence I’ve attempted to capture So this is a painting of you Drenched in dubious daddy deposits? It isn’t about the jizz It’s about making you feel like you’re covered in jizz Okay I’ve had enough I’m going back to the… Ah sh*t I left my key to the office behind I’m gonna have to wait up for the others Excuse me Jackson Is my painting ready? Tony! Perfect timing I just finished it How does it make you feel? It sorta makes me feel like I’m covered in jizz And I love it Number three Last but not least A fast food chef Named Richard Maurice Reputed as a bad worker I went to his apartment After his shift of flipping burgers I knock knocked on his door and he said ...ahem... I knock knocked on his door and he said ... Where the hell is this guy? He should be home by this time I gave the doorknob a try And it was unlocked So I wandered inside Small place, that’s for sure Found some dude Asleep on the floor It’s prolly Richard Gotta wake him up Subtly nudge him, don’t startle him I don't wanna get married! Oh sh*t! Hello Do... Do I know you? My name is Detective Castillo And I’m here to ask you A couple of questions Oh How did you get in here? The door wasn’t locked Son of a b*t*h I thought that I locked it I must’ve forgot I do that sh*t all the time Sir, I need to ask about The day you woke up With stud crud on your face That’s kinda weird But go ahead, ask away Did you see the perp? I forget Were you followed home? I forget Was your door locked? I forget Is there anything that you remember? Hmm… I remember going to the sperm bank Like I do on every Thursday Boutta donate When I overheard the clerk say Something bout a man With a mask and a gun Coming through and Demanding a gallon of c*m Oh sh*t, what happened? They gave it to him Is that how sperm banks work? Do they just have, like, jugs full of dude glue? Yeah One more thing before I go What did you mean You don’t wanna get married? I'm sorry? When you woke up You said I don’t wanna get married Oh I was reliving a moment I had with an ex Girl had a monstrous chest She wanted me to marry her But I just kinda wanted her for sex Why do you ask? No reason After a long day of tracking down And interviewing the three other victims We regrouped and returned to our office To put our facts together And deduce what could have happened We returned to find Audrey Sitting on one of the couches She stood up as soon as she saw us And I take no shame in saying that I stood up as soon as I saw her You know All day I’ve been laughing to myself About the sentiment of waking up and going Oh, what’s this on my face? Did I drool or something? And then looking in the mirror and going Where the f**k did this willy milk come from? Audrey approached us As we entered the room and said So what happened? Did you catch him? Well, we've talked to a lot of guys And we certainly have a lot to think about But we haven’t caught him yet We’re getting close though It’s all so confusing The victims have almost nothing in common We’ve got no leads on any suspects And then there’s the whole sperm bank thing Sperm bank? Were you guys jacking off into cups all day? No One of the victims mentioned that Somebody robbed a sperm bank Left with a ton of semen And we’re completely blown away At the odds of there being Two nut b***er related crimes in the same week What an incredible coincidence Well, maybe not We think they could be related We’re gonna sleep on it though You head on home And come back tomorrow morning We’ll have more to tell you then You’re gonna make me walk home all alone? I'll walk you home Castillo, she’s a grown a** woman She can walk her damn self home Good night, Audrey Good night detectives. Sleep well I didn't sleep well As a matter of fact I didn't sleep at all I hadn't relaxed a single muscle Since I stepped into the ring to tussle One on one with this Most brain teasing puzzle I've been pacing in my room in the office With nothing at all I'm stuck at a wall I'm clutching at straws I can't spin it to gold Unless something, anything Points to a suspect I hear my door slowly open behind me Dreadfully I turn around to find The silhouette of a sinister figure Creeping with a comically large syringe Labeled as semen He must have heard About our journey to convict him But the only ones who know that we're involved Are the victims Suddenly the truth becomes blaring The son of a b*t*h Served us a red herring He slams the door shut between us He's trying to escape My feet throw me forward toward the door As I start to chase after him This could be our chance To put an end to this case All I have to do is Get one glance at his face I catapult the door open to find This crafty b*st*rd had the bright idea Of closing the blinds The whole room is pitch black So he knows he can hide Oh, sh*t With my arms thrown in front of me I start slowly stumbling through the room In an attempt to find him Preparing myself for this to get violent Suddenly my hand lands on something Holy sh*t I've got him right where I want him I've got him guys Oh Oh God he got me Oh I'm covered in jizz *vomits He's blinded me with man chowder I can't see He's gonna get away Guys, wake up What the f**k happened? He was here He was here, I saw him Who? The Phantom Masturbator! Is that what we’re calling him? See I was gonna suggest we call him Rip The Jacker You know like Jack The Ripper Only sexier Shut the f**k up That b*st*rd plastered his Population paste all over my face Would one of you please get me Something I can wipe it off with Here, take a tissue Thank you I pulled the tissue across my eyes And suddenly I regained both my vision And my composure Now gentlemen We’ve got ourselves a situa- Holy sh*t! Whoah whoah What happened? Castillo! What? You’ve got spunk on your face too! What? I pressed my hands against my face And felt a sticky squishing Ah! He got you too! This is f**ked up! Believe me, I know! Sucks to be you guys Okay, no more f**king around! That motherf**ker done made this sh*t personal! Look, we’ve interviewed all the victims And we don’t have a single solid suspect Well, not all the victims You mean Audrey’s husband? He may hold the key to finding this guy Audrey told us he’s too embarra**ed to talk about it He won’t tell us anything! F**k that! I'm calling his a** Hello? Hi, is this Audrey’s husband? Yes, and it’s four in the morning Who is this? My name is Detective Brandon Castillo Your wife came to our office and told us That you woke up covered in ball barf She said you wouldn’t want to talk about it But I’ve got jizz on my face as we speak And if we’re gonna catch The son of a b*t*h who did this to us You’ve gotta tell me everything I have no idea what you’re talking about I never woke up with semen on my face You guys hear that? But Audrey told us… Sir, is your wife with you? No, I don’t know where she is Did you say you have jizz on your face right now? Son of a b*t*h I know Brandon totally just told that guy He had chode nectar on his face For nothing No, not for nothing I think we just solved the case That morning Audrey returned to our office As we had instructed her to She said Is there anything new you’ve deduced? Well, as a matter of fact We’ve identified our man And we’ve got the proof Excellent news! You must tell me who Only one man had a motive And that man… Was you Me? What? Do you deny it? Yes I deny it! We figured you would Of course I deny it! I don’t have a p*n*s with which to ejaculate! I hired you men to extrapolate Who could have masturbated on my husband And somehow you advocate that it was me? That’s quite enough of the charade We know it was you Allow us to explain None of the victims Had seen the suspect But all of the victims Had mentioned an ex All of them said Girl had a monstrous chest Immaculate breasts She had the biggest t**s I ever laid eyes on We believe you are the ex And that you’ve been getting Sexual revenge You dressed like a man With a mask and a gun And you robbed the sperm bank Of a gallon of c*m Past that point All you had to do was track down Scotty Jackson Richard And me You kept your key to Scotty’s trailer, though Jackson made a habit Out of sleeping in the park And Richard left his door open Be probably thought that he locked it He must have forgot That much of your plan was flawless But since I’m always in this office Getting to me would be harder to do So you concocted a ruse Something dreadful has happened You told us knowing your state of distress Was extremely deceiving You lied that your husband awoke in the morning To find that his face had been covered in semen And it was remarkably simple Avoiding suspicion by playing the victim I have to admit that was smart But you knew that your lie Would crumble apart If we spoke to your husband You knew we would try So you had to convince us He wouldn’t comply You told us He’s far too embarra**ed To talk about even a word of what happened We were sold We began the search And as we ran around town Tryna interview the victims Little did we know that we left the perp Sitting on a couch All alone on our own turf That gave you plenty of time To comb through the office You wanted to find a key So at night you could come back inside And lucky for you I had left mine behind You returned that night in disguise Mike woke up and you ran outside I pursued you until you shot cream in my eyes And just like that you had won your prize You got to reciprocate for the Men you allowed to nut on your face And you thought that we couldn’t Connect all the clues But thanks to your husband We know it was you Do you deny it? I… I... Audrey Do you deny it? I just wanted someone to love me You may find it overdramatic But love is uncommon When you’re as attractive as I am Nobody wants to be close They just wanna f**k you and leave you So they deceive you Mislead you into feeling like they need you But when you satisfy their sweet-tooth They just treat you like a tuft of dust And sweep you under the rug, it sucks You don’t know what it’s like to be used But now that I’m married I had to atone for the Sexual favors that went undeserved You and the rest of the lecherous men I had sex with have suffered revenge And as far as I’m concerned You all got what you earned So go ahead and cuff me I’m sure that’ll get you off Audrey We’re letting you go Wait, really? Yeah We put all the pieces together And realized that Finally you had a love that was true And who would we be To undo that for you? Plus, we don’t have any physical evidence None of this theory would hold up in court And I know that it’s partly my fault For sending you on a Rampage of sexual a**ault I’m sorry, Audrey But like If you're Not Doing Anything Later Do you Maybe Wanna... Motherf**ker I know you did not just try that sh*t Uh, I know, I know I'm an a**hole I'm sorry Remember I’ve still got half a gallon of c*ck frosting With your name on it If any of you three Ever say anything about this to anyone You hear? Crystal clear Audrey We're keeping it zipped Good Now I’m gonna go home And f**k my husband And thus was the conclusion Of one of the most challenging cases of our careers I'd say all loose ends Tied up pretty nicely Except for maybe one thing Audrey was getting revenge On the men she had sex with Before she was married to her husband I understand why Scotty, Jackson, Richard, and I got sauced But Castillo Why would she have gone after you? Oh well, uh... Okay, remember fifteen minutes ago When I was bragging about Getting laid in the office But I didn't want to tell you Who the girl was? Oh my God Brandon, did you get sloppy seconds Off of Audrey While we were dating? No I went third Saverio got seconds Oh my God I cannot believe you guys That is so f**ked up I ca-- Wait, hold on Saverio how come you didn't get Drizzled in p*** syrup? I did I just wiped it off Because I didn't want you guys To see my face covered in pee-pee goo It wasn't hard to do I don't know why you guys Made a whole f**king scene out of it Oh, you pricks I'm gonna kick your a**-- Saved by the bell, huh? Hello? What? A naked man has been Running around in a mask at night Between fifth and seventh street? Well Looks like we've got another case to crack Tune in next week, ladies and gentlemen As we chase down The Sixth Street Streaker On the next episode of-- Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait That-- D-Don't... Don't bother Uh... That's uh... Uh, that was me I... I do that sometimes
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