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PHYLACTERY
par
The Narcissist Cookbook
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Letra
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard this vessel. Please listen very carefully to the following safety announcements I know I'm not going to be doing myself any favors with this comparison, but Leonard Cohen wrote 80 verses to "Hallelujah" before he settled on the final five Sometimes The results of our labor justify the lengths that we go to get there This is not one of those times I am so tired of this song cluttering up the worktable in my mind But I am not yet ready for it to be gone It was meant to be for my dad, in case that wasn't obvious And that's how the problem began Ever-eager as I am to fling every egg I can find into the closest basket I have to hand I decided That this song would be The Song, capital T capital S That it would be where I digest all of those undesirable emotions all at once And it felt healthy, even, at the time To have somewhere to put them, somewhere they could be herded together, and ringfenced And I dove into that process like I always do Smug and confident that I would be able to hold my breath and reach the bottom and bring back something beautiful to show everyone And it would be done And I wouldn't have to think about this anymore And I wouldn't have to feel like this anymore But it's been two years now and I don't feel like I've come up for air Once Since the first demo Which was written and recorded on my phone the morning before the funeral And I was rewriting it in my head less than two hours later During the funeral service There is a theory for this Or a term, rather It's called dissociation It's a coping mechanism It's something that we do when we can't bring ourselves to look directly at the monster barreling out of the dark towards us Here's another theory, actually If- if- If emotions can be boiled down to electrical signals bouncing around in the brain Then it follows that they're a part of the natural world And therefore have to obey the same laws as the natural world And the first law of thermodynamics states that energy cannot be created or destroyed It can only be transformed And I barely f**king cried when my father died Where are all of those emotions? If they have not been destroyed then where have they gone? "Receiver Of Wreck" Is not just a song, I think It's an external hard drive For the feelings that I can't bear to have close to me And it will be effective for as long as I keep working on it, I believe As long as I keep coming back every few months to push my grief another metaphor deep until eventually even I start to forget What I walked up into the field that January morning to bury This is something I have to decide That I can write, and rewrite, and re-re-re-rewrite But the song is never gonna feel complete One day I'm just gonna have to stop But even then I can't just put my guitar down and walk away I'm in Far too deep for that I don't think I get to feel like it's done Truly Until this song and everything locked inside it has been released And maybe then Maybe I can start the actual process of Gathering up those emotions and finding a place for them In me, this time Where they belong
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