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Don’t Stop Me Now Cold Open - SNL
par
Saturday Night Live
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Announcer: And now, a message from the president of the United States Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m very excited about summer, getting around that those things I never have time for. Golf, visiting friends in prison, and enjoying all the fantastic new tariffs with China. It’s been an incredible year for our economy. Our American economy is on fire. I’m going to tell you if it’s a fire that keeps you warm or burns your house to the ground. But it’s some kind of fire. So, I’m on cruise control to a second term and there’s nothing thе democrats in congress can do about it. So sit back and enjoy thе ride, America, because tonight, well Tonight, I’m going to have a real good time Melania Trump: He feels alive Donald Trump: And the world I’ll turn it inside out, yeah! Mike Pence: And float around in ecstasy Melania Trump and Mike Pence: So don’t stop him now Everybody: Don’t stop him cause he’s having a good time having a good time Sarah Sanders: He’s a loose cannon rippin’ up the laws of society you can’t subpoena him he’s gonna obstruct Melania Trump: He’s a billionaire unless you take a look at his tax returns He’s going to hide, hide, hide, oh there’s no showing you Donald Trump: I’m burning every page picking every fight Melania Trump: That’s why they call him Mr. Bad Advice cause he listens to the Fox News guys Mike Pence: I want to make a super straight man out of you Everybody: Don’t stop us now we’re having such a good time Donald Trump: I’m having a ball! Sarah Sanders: Having a ball! Everybody: Don’t stop us now you wanna a huge distraction[Kanye West joins with his arms around Donald Trump’s shoulders] Kanye West: Just give Yeezy a call man! Everybody: Don’t stop us now we’re having a good time don’t stop us now we’re having a good time We don’t wanna stop at all Clarence Thomas: Yes, the supreme court ready for a fight on abortion we got the votes now women are screwed Melania Trump: It was an issue you thought got resolved 50 years ago But no, no, no All men are still in control Donald Trump: I’m searching bible guide now Melania Trump: he’s throwing stones and he lives in a big glasshouse He cheated on every spouse Mike Pence: I want to make a chick-fil-a man out of you Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me Rudy Giuliani: Wonderful wall Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me, don’t stop me, don’t stop me Rudy Giuliani: Do you guys like tariffs? Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me Rudy Giuliani: Hundred bucks for a tomato? Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me Rudy Giuliani: I ain’t sweatin’ it Sarah Sanders: Oh he’s throwing out the lies, yeah Donald Trump: One tweet at a time Melania Trump: And he’s got the best and brightest guys that’s why most of them are serving time Mike Pence: I want to make a crazy sexy man out of you Melania Trump: Mike, no. What are you doing? Mike Pence: I’m sorry, the queen music gets me all riled up Donald Trump Jr.: Hey dad, why weren’t we invited to sing? Eric Trump: Yeah Donald Trump: Son, and Eric. I’m sorry I forgot about you guys Eric Trump: Well, I want to sing the song too Donald Trump: All right, Eric, go ahead Eric Trump: It’s time to play the music it’s time to light the lights It’s time to meet the muppets on the muppet show tonight Donald Trump: All right. Let’s wrap this up. The NBA finals are coming up. I need to invite the three white players over for McDonald’s Robert Mueller: Wait a second. [Cheers and applause] I have something very important to say to the American people. Something they need to hear. [Donald Trump interrupts] Donald Trump: No collusion, no obstruction So, don’t stop me now Everybody: we’re having such a good time Sarah Sanders: Just try and impeach Everybody: Don’t stop us now Sarah Sanders: We might even get rid of freedom of speech Everybody: Don’t stop us now we’re having a good time don’t stop us we’re having a good time we don’t want to stop at all Donald Trump: Guys, it’s been fun. I don’t know what’s next for me, but I wouldn’t be Donald Trump if I didn’t say tune in next season to see who lives and who dies Spoiler, I live. I live for another 150 years. And the iron throne will be mine Donald Trump: Have a wonderful summer, America Everybody: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night
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