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Did I follow each life Spidering outward to its end Where a thrown cafeteria chair struck gla** And shattered it How the wires inside held And made webs And like the faces beyond I could not touch But stared the patterns down Looking for meaning Looking like them For relief I am there only in this And could not complain I can find relief at any turn Where all around my whole life Laid purpose and No one stood between No one tied my hands But there again is that feeling: Guilt The deep cold Sweeping downward From the lake above Guilt too For feeling Guilt My breath Against the gla** A ghost Guilt Watching prison guards Flee violence They freed From people They would not And because I did not know And so I did not care Guilt Then all this cowering Didn’t I once feel courage? Ambling the clearing To my blind alone 129 miles from Kinross by road Or comfort only that my Father knew the woods No matter what And could find me With or without fresh cover Scouring the landscape Safety orange And my skin Bright white Like snow and fire Amid the forest tones Amid the harsh wind Amid the echoed howl of wolves Throughout the marsh I sat And counted bullets Just in case They came for me But I did not know dying then And still don’t Only that I am me now And it isn’t what I’d thought I’d be Except for love The difference is the fear The guilt I can’t connect them The courage the cold air I miss here And isn’t even home now The vision I have of your face laughing back While wind battered us Snow to our knees and somewhere Deep below either beach or water Who knows? But I felt brave again there Nothing I could or would not do To keep living with you While the wolves bayed And the prison nearby burned Nothing I would not do To find us
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