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Are we live? Good Did you plug the book? No? You're fired! Get out! Now, let’s educate some people Welcome back, thanks for joining me today Here on Just the Facts with your friend J. Jonah J This city's at a tipping point, it could go either way But I'm not one to disappoint, I’ve got a lot to say About a hero, a man who loves this city like a son Shooting through the air and looking out for everyone Bringing hope and light and justice to a city that had none And his name's J. Jonah Jameson, you're welcome, let's move on To a menace! A monster! A blight upon our streets! Of course, I am referring to that spider donning freak Don't let him fool you, no, it's not quiet, it's not peaceful It's a disaster on the brink, so wake up and listen, people! There’s an evil hiding out there, anyone could be that web slinger Trust me, I once hired a guy the height, he was a dead ringer Yes, Spider-Man again! He needs arrest with no parole This guy’s shenanigans require a little pest control That's all, so tune in again We got the news and the views on which you can depend And if you see him, you can login and send in all your pictures Pictures of Spider-Man Our city has a way of life to defend So we’re here to tell your neighbourhood he isn't your friend If you see a hero, you should really amend your picture Picture of Spider-Man I hate to say it, but we can't ignore the failures Our city's top committees won’t investigate his alias Sure, Fisk is out the picture, but a hundred mile radius Of thugs and goons and hooligans will make the public pay for it Who are we to say that our city should be trusted To the flavour of the day dispensing Daredevil justice? The next crazy caped crusader out to punish folks for fun? It's unthinkable! When we've already got a force we've funded The fact is, folks, your taxes don't do jack for stopping crimes Now they're spent to fix the messes that these loonies leave behind Full confession, yes, the Scorpion, well, he is one of mine But was all in good intention that he went and undermined We need an Iron Fist, some discipline to set things right A weak slap on the wrist won't keep you safe on misty nights I'm sure every cop for miles, morale is out of sight As our force is forced to watch while spandex psychos fight the fight So we ship ‘em off to prison when they level blocks in battle On some package cruise for villains, plunging public funds for travel Sure, they may look caged, but the truth is, we're just saddled So I ask you listeners, now we've bought the raft, where's the paddle? That's all, so tune in again We got the news and the views on which you can depend If you see him, you can login and send in all your pictures Pictures of Spider-Man This super nuisance screws up more than he mends So maybe you should view him through an alternate lens We're horrified at all of the positive comments on your pictures Pictures of Spider-Man Speak for yourself, I've seen Spidey protect this city Last Monday, I got jumped and mugged, trust me, they could've killed me When suddenly this muscular stud in the tightest suit Saved me first, gave me my purse and strung the thugs up by their boots We'll now that's a lovely story. but did you not deduce? That maybe Spider-Man and all those thugs are in cahoots? Wait, did you just say "cahoots"? Yes I did, and it's the truth! With that spider on our ceilings. violent crime is through the roof! NEXT! Uh, hello? Hi, is this the right number? Of that blathering idiot Spitting, belittling heroes and making me wonder Did you not see the bank heist? Spider-Man knocked out his lights! I can't believe you have the nerve to mock those who do what's right Yes, the bank was already in trouble Then the spider shows up for the scuffle Might he have taken the fight outside ‘stead of crushing the lobby to rubble? Stopping a robbery? Or was he just showing off at the cost of the jobs and the property? Dropped all that concrete on top of the robber And still didn't bother to finish him properly! NEXT! Yeah, hi, I'm just trying to find out Why you're so riled up half of the time now Couldn't you present a better argument If you were calm instead of getting farther into A belligerent position in which Refusing to listen to listeners' differing Views is the thing that you're choosing to do? Even when they've just proven the truth, you just interrupt- Another caller tries tell me how to do my job When I holler it's not out of anger, no, it's out of love! For this city! For its people! But if you just think I'm ticked off Turn over to that hero-loving hellcat hosting Trish Talk That's all, so tune in again We got the news and the views on which you can depend If you see him, you can login and send in all your pictures Pictures of Spider-Man If you're delusional, then you can pretend That our city isn't victim of a dangerous trend But if you've been afflicted, then of course, you can send your pictures Pictures of Spider-Man Non lethal? That's just fine! He just hung them up in a bundle of twine ‘Til our city's window cleaners find Them ten floors up in ten months time But what's a few corpses glued onto roofs? When his YouTube movies get millions of views? That the hoodlum puts on a mask just proves That he's not paying tax on the ad revenue The fact is this the impact of this damned arachnid Can be tracked back to the day that he landed Donned a mask and the bad guys adapted Menageries of mad-men he manufactured This hack is the last thing we need Now sentient sand and Nazi bees!? Lizards, wizards, can't we see? That spider's like a damned disease! Call me traditional, I do things by the book But if you like the truth, my friend, well, you can buy the book! Violence shook and sides were took, yet some would let them off the hook I guess I shouldn't be surprised that sheep will follow crooks You're left with vigilantes when you let crime get away So when will Spider-Man see that the freaks have had their day? If it were up to me, folks, if I truly had my way I'd simply snap my fingers and they'd all just go away You, you still here? Good You're rehired Get me a coffee and the fire yourself again Amateurs
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