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Bipolar
par
Clayton Jennings
Regreso
Letra
I just wanted to get on here and apologize to anybody that I've offended, anybody that I've hurt Uh, and I'm talking to my following I'm not talking about my enemies But I'm trying to pray for them I'm just talking to people right now who follow me So here it goes And just like the winter, here it snows And just like my following, there it goes And just like the Spirit, the wind blows And just like a wordsmith, these words flow You already know But I'm not here to tell you I'm a poet with this pen I'm here to let you feel my pain so you can be my friend 'Cause I was walkin' around like, "Point out the bully 'cause they can get hit" Preach Jesus one day, the next day middle fingers and spit You never know which Clayton you're going to get I guess that would make me split And when I had a meltdown, a lot of you did But if the shoe fits, wear it And if you have a solution, share it And if you have a contract, tear it Because I'm not coming to speak at your event I said I was leaving religion, and that's what I meant I'll never leave Jesus, it's always triple J's till the day I die But I got hurt by the religious so bad that I wanted to die And the worse thing I did was let pain become pride And in my pride, I hurt so many people My intentions were good, but the outcome was evil Because I became what I hated Bullies bullying others under the steeple I've hurt others but claimed I love people I wanted vengeance so bad I forgot it was God's I puffed up my chest to anyone at odds I was the lion with fake courage from The Wizard of Oz And I pulled back the curtain and showed you my flaws And thousands of you left I don't know how many of you are on the right or the left I'm just trying to write what is left And if that's the case, I gotta get this off my chest I'm not writing this for your sympathy I'm not in hopes that letters of encouragement will be sent to me I'm just trying to tell you what you've meant to me Because at my lowest, you've encouraged me I wear my heart on my sleeve like a surgery And lately, you've noticed a surge in me And if I tell you I'm okay, that would be purgery Because as God as my witness, I'm not And doctors have tried everything from Xanax, Klonopin, and pot And fanatics have prayed that I'd get shot And naysayers will say I only have fans because I'm hot And you know what's disappointing? I'm not I've never once looked in the mirror and liked what I've seen That's why last year, I got overweight Two and a half men, call me Charlie Sheen Hair long, hair short, hat this, scarf that Insecure kid in the spotlight trying to feel comfortable where he's at And I struck out when I got put up to bat But my problem is I either hit a homer or missed the ball Jamie wishes I was home more, that at least I'd call Haters wishing I wasn't known more, that at least I'd fall Guess what? I already did I got the ball, and I missed Wanna know my sins? 'Cause there's a list It could've been Schindler's, but it became Clayton's Leading people to Jesus while acting like Satan Well, speak of the Devil, nah, I'd rather not Keep writing this, nah, I'd rather stop These are the poems I hate the most Trick-or-treat, here, look at my ghosts We treat social media like a follow is a vote Two things that don't fit like apollo and a boat I have a blue checkmark, wait, you don't? Yuck, get away from me Social media is nothing that it claims to be A way to connect? No, a way to behave satanly It's all a joke that I don't laugh at And if your roach is laced, then please don't pass that I got slandered and lied about, and I couldn't get passed that I was dying on the inside, and I couldn't mask that Lies about my family, I wanted to attack that This head on my shoulders, I wanted to blast that Because I was being harassed Online liars, so many times that I've been trashed And my celebrity friends just laugh Because they get it all the time But are they bullied by the same guy who bullied a kid till he died? 'Cause he almost killed me, or at least he tried And not in person but with slanderous lies And at times, I just wished I'd get cancer and die I was humiliated, and the witch hunt began I've probably smiled if I've shook your hand But, man, oh, man, on the inside, I've been dying Jamie found me curled up in the bathtub crying She asked if she should call 911 And I said, "I'm fine, it's done" "What's done?", she said I just wanted to be dead I thought about a quick bullet to the head But I decided to fight for my marriage and my daughter instead Like shelf my problems, hang on 'cause it's full steam ahead And I ran right back into the same pain And the nametag on my shirt had the same name What's wrong with me?! Paranoid around everyone like I think they're onto me I was stuck in my head, night terrors in bed Friends concerned they'd find me dead A loose cannon with nothing to shoot with Like a rim with no ball, I had nothing to hoop with And you might listen to my poetry 'cause you love it Or you might think that it's stupid Then why are you listening? Cupid Hate and love are really similar Jamie loves my mom, so she went to her Clayton is all over the place, it's like he's being haunted They were worried about my life, I was worried about content I gotta make that next video or write that next poem I keep posting like I can't keep you alone Maybe it's because I don't like to be alone Ever think about that? I feel connected to you like an online chat I say Tell the World family, yo where are you at? We used to fill rooms all over the map 'Cause I used to get book offers tossed in my lap Then I walked right into a trap Where are y'all at? Are you still there? Do you still care? Delilah cut the locks, and it's not fair But oh well, I'm not here to talk about that I'm here to talk about this Imagine me holding up that list And the page is empty and all it says is "I'm sorry To the people I've hurt To the people I've ignored To the people I've never called back To the people I never text back To the people who wrote me but I never read that I'm sorry" Honestly, I don't know why I try to push people away I get excited when I see a soul saved But I'll cut them out of my life right after we've prayed And if they come for me, then I throw shade And some secrets people better hope I take to the grave And, I will Time kills, cheap thrills, see me killed And there's a reason I always talk about my death Four years left You'd understand if you listened to my poetry Some of us have never met, but you know me And I know you That's why when I post poetry, I get views Because somehow these words connect to you And that came from me, so now we're connected together I've treated you like dirt, but you're to be treasured I'm sorry to the people I've hurt I'm sorry to the people I haven't Because truth is, I don't know what's going to keep me from another manic episode Wait, hold the phone, did he just say manic episode? Why am I pretending someone is talking to me? Man, I've been sharing these demos audibly But somehow it just turns into applause for me I'm literally telling you I'm bipolar Phew, that's a weight off my shoulders It explains a lot of my past It revealed a lot of my trash And then I started understanding this from that And for the first time in years, I'm okay with where I'm at I'm understanding the ups from the downs I'm understanding who to keep at a distance and who to keep around I'm understanding, and that's a first Doctors say I'll have this till the hearse Pastors say they'll just pray it away as if it's a curse Well, we'll see which works I got a lot of plans in the works And the biggest job I have coming up Is healing my family And all the damage that's been done to me And all the damage I've done to others No more nightmares in covers No more f-you to others No more setting her aside as if I don't love her It's gotta stop Please just leave me alone, please I'm talking to the voices, and they tell me their needs A beautiful mind, I'm alone in these streets Pigeon this and pigeon that Flying around until this pigeon got trapped I used to bump Dirk in the trap Now I gotta family, and I'd never leave this for that But sometimes I do wish that I could go back and do it again I wish I knew why I had racing thoughts and what it all meant I wish I knew why sometimes I couldn't get out of bed but other days I couldn't get in it I wish I knew why I made promises as if I meant it I wish I knew and I wish I had known I wish I had known why I turned manic when I'm alone I wish I had known why I could talk about Jesus one day and spit on Him the next I wish I had known why my vice was always sex I wish I had known and I wish I knew Why every hope and terror I had came true I blew up and then blew up I smiled and then threw up You've been with me for years, and you've watched me grow up And right now, it's time for me to act like a grownup I'm sorry for the blowup You treated me like topsoil, I treated you like dirt Not in person or to your face But I've been two-faced I don't mean I've gossiped about you because I'm usually a vault But when accused of crazy things I'll callout who's at fault Liable online feels like assault Especially when it comes from people who claim to be sought Or so they say Eliminate my enemies or so I pray And only God can touch my heart and take the unforgiveness away But then again, I pray things and they come true right out of the blue So I believe in God, and not just for that 'Cause somehow He always seems to know where I'm at And I thank Him for that Because He never let me go I can't imagine the debt I owe And I know it's paid in full because of the Cross But I'm ashamed of my behavior and the pain that I've caused Sometimes I question my calling of reaching the lost I look up at Heaven like I'm teaching [to boast?] And at what cost? My soul? Writing this poetry never gets old It's my release It's peace, and peace is what I need So peace to you, it's time to leave But war to you, here I come Bipolar with this poetry, lawsuits and rum Robbers grab suits and then they run Pastors wear shoes that cost them a ton And they earned it Because at least [Rich and Carl?] called me when I was suicidal And you people build up people and then tear down your idols You call out pastors in churches as if we're all rivals Stop calling out specks when you got an eyeful So even to them, thank you for texting and calling Jamie saw what you two said, and she started bawling Thank you, and I'm sorry To everyone else, thank you, and I'm sorry And I'm sorry, and thank you You say the words I have said somehow saved you So thank you, and I'm sorry, and I'd like to praise you You stuck with me when we went through a storm but we made it through I'm talking to my personalities, I'm not talking to you Thank you, and I'm sorry I wish I could stay But I'm bipolar, and God made me this way
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