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Collapse the Economy
by
Olivia Gatwood
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Studies predict that if women stopped buying cosmetic products and services, every economy in the world would collapse overnight. This is a call to collapse the economy. Let’s cover our scented tampons in hairspray, light them on fire, and throw them at Maybelline’s headquarters. Let’s take all our leftover lotions and soaps and make the world’s largest slip -n- slide down Capitol Hill. Weight Watchers will have a whole new meaning, like, just wait and watch as I burn this motherf**ker down. Imagine — what could we do with all these Spanx? Probably make some sort of catapult to launch our skin-softening bath bombs into enemy territory. Victoria’s Secret? Is that she’s GOING OUT OF BUSINESS. I have picked at my body like a scab. I have squeezed at my face in the mirror until no more me could come out of me. I changed my outfit eight times before I got here. Oh you thought we were gonna stop at burning bras? Well then you shouldn’t have given us so much flammable sh*t. Tampons, pads, even you Diva Cups, will be a thing of the past. Tonight, we paint the town red. I’m not bleaching my a**hole, I’ll bleach you, a**hole. Are you gonna put those fake eyelashes on for me? No? Then I don’t f**king want them. Does that shampoo also come with the photoshop you used on the model? No? Then I don’t f**king want it. F**k you, Summer’s Eve. I’d rather my v***** NOT smell like Island Splash or Delicate Blossom because what the f**k does that even smell like? That’s not even a real scent. My v***** is already vajazzled enough. Let’s throw out our razors and grow our hair as long as rivers. How beautiful it will be to take the money I spend to be pretty for you, make my hair soft for you, my nails like candy for you, go under the knife for you give myself skin cancer for you, and stop giving the 76 cents back. There were days i spent hours crying in the dressing room. Days I didn’t leave the house in case someone had a camera for fear of becoming another before picture. So thank you, Cosmo for giving me 472 more beauty tips to completely ignore. Thank you for all of this lipstick to write I AM FLAWLESS on the wall. Thank you for the cover up, the vanishing cream. Thank you for making us invisible that way, you’ll never see us coming.
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