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Confessions
by
Clayton Jennings
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I have some confessions to make And this won't be quick 'Cause if I'm honestly being honest, when I look at my past, I see sin, and there's a lot of it I didn't memorize this because I'll never perform it I just needed to get it off my chest before I burn it Sometimes I feel like I'm caught up in a whirlwind that just won't set me down And my dad used to sit me down And he'd tell me yesterday doesn't matter, it's what you do with today that counts But sometimes I feel like tomorrow will just be another yesterday And I'll be honest I've even contemplated not going any farther I bet you didn't see that coming But there are no perfect people, are there? I was nineteen years old and I put a gun to my chest I figured I'd put the bullet there instead of my head Maybe I didn't want to ruin the thought of an empty casket So many things led me to that point and I couldn't continue to mask it And I'm just trying to be open right now with the masses who've amassed with no knowledge of my past Because there is a past that I do not like looking at, but it likes looking at me And talking to me And reminding me of all my failures and faults And the people I've hurt and the counsel I've fought I've always pushed people back A lot of friends I've lost that I'll never get back But my actions told them to get back Like they were helpless to help the construction zone that I had become I've always been a work in progress But there is no progress if there is no progression But maybe progression comes with making these confessions I'm not happy with who I am, and I don't think I'll ever be this side of eternity But some of you put me on a pedestal like I think he's so spiritual or at least he'd better be I watched him preach, and he even met with me I'll never forget what he said to me "God has a plan for your life" And I probably did say that, and I believe it's right But when I don't say when I meet you is how lonely it feels on these aluminum flights Boarding pass, please, where are you going? The flight has been delayed because right now it's snowing So take your baggage and sit over there We'll alert you as soon as we can get you back in the air And sometimes I wished they wouldn't alert me Because the higher I get on those planes The more that it hurts me to think how close I am to Heaven And how I'm so unworthy I prefer the window seat, but not for the view For the distance from the aisle so I can close my eyes and pretend I'm sleeping So the flight attendants won't bug me with offers of pretzels and water And it's not that I don't like pretzels And every man needs water But it's what I'm reminded of when I'm that close to Heaven And they hand me that cup, and I see my reflection I see the woman at the well But it's me and Jesus there instead, and He knows me well Maybe not five-wived with a life full of lies But still enough to put her and I on level playing ground She was ashamed of her sin, so she hid from her town But to me, it's not just a town I've got millions listening to what I'm saying now TV show offers, book deals, movie scripts sit on my nightstand And somehow all I wanna say is I'm not who you think I am First high yelling "When I Became A Man" That's just God in me And the boldness He provides is plenty But I'm just another Paul fighting the feelings of sin that feel so empty And I don't always win when the Devil tempts me And he tempts me a lot The opportunities to fall came pouring in the bigger I got Everybody wants popularity until it puts you in a bubble And everyone around you warns you so much about failing That you start thinking everything you do can get you in trouble God must've been crazy when He gathered the angels in a heavenly huddle Like "I'm sending Clayton to tell the world" Twenty-million people later, I'm like what in the world Why me? And I still wonder that And you all wonder why I spend so much time under this hat Ever feel like crawling under the carpet or hiding under a mat? Yeah, it's kinda like that I use a hat to hide me from my surroundings when I'm under attack So many sitting on the sidelines forget that the Christian life is a race On a track, in the middle of a firefight with demons who love to put a target on your back So I keep changing shirts, but it's still there I'd complain about being slandered and cursed and claim it's not fair But I'd rather be on the front lines screaming Jesus than sitting in a chair In a room, looking out the window And thinking would anyone miss me if I pulled this trigger and released this lead? I mean, I'd be dead But would anyone miss me? But that's not what kept me from doing it I'm a coward That's why I didn't do it I could've never done it, and I knew it No matter how bad I wanted to, I was afraid of what would happen next "NEXT, why are you here?" "I killed myself on my bed in my room, I'm sorry" "I know what you did, but who said that decision was up to you? I created you, I gave you that life And ending it wasn't up to you, it was up to Me And you failed Me Depart from Me, I never knew you" That's why I didn't do it Fear But it was that same fear that kept my depression near And the doctors told me to pop pills and sent me on my way So I popped those pills thinking I'd somehow someday see the blue through the gray And I tried hiding it until a pastor I knew told me he was depressed And that blew me away I'd been surrounded by so many actors, I started believing their screenplays You can play a lot of tricks on the screens of social media With smiling faces and motivational quotes And I felt like I was the only one in this ocean of loneliness drifting away on a boat And the funny thing is, I'm the one who boarded that raft I ignored the warnings, pushed off the dock, and watched my safety drift past How bad could the ocean be? It sucks, it's cold, and it's lonely And everything it promises you is a lie You're thirsty? Drink saltwater, watch your lips dry up as time creeps by And there I was, a mess on the inside who had stapled a smile to his face And I could blame a million things that put me in that place And it's weird that I talk like it's past tense Because I wake up some mornings, and I'm still there, and it's tragic Because sometimes I feel like I can't breathe And I close my eyes until that feeling leaves And what's the cure? Of course Pick up your Bible and read And that's what I tell people when they ask me But when I say goodbye and get in that taxi I wonder if they actually listen Or if they thought I was just giving them a cheap prescription masked in fake spirituality so I could be on my way Because if they're like me, they know the incredible weight of that Book when you go to pick it up after not being able to get out of bed for days So did they listen to me or blow off every word that I say? And I don't blame them if they do Because I know what they're going through, too And people's advice never helped me either You're expected to be perfect when you become a believer If you believe that, you're stupid Or maybe just new Because following Jesus is the hardest thing you could ever do I'm trying to follow Him and forget that I've been used And I've used other people, too This world is not my home, but I sure did dirty the walls while traveling through And I could lie to you and tell you it's all golden roads and prosperity But I follow Jesus, so I won't Because neither did He He promised a hard life with a lot of sorrow But He promised strength to get through the depression, anxiety, murder, rape, adultery, divorce, diseases, death, and pains of tomorrow And the next day, and whatever comes after that I hope I'm young when I die Maybe a car crash or a heart attack Because I've seen the American dream, and I don't want any part of that I just wanna be where I found my peace At the foot of the cross of Jesus Feet It's really the only place I've ever felt complete Like I mattered Like I belonged Fulfilled and satisfied, no more void in my chest But for now, I've been put to the test Because I'm just a mess who God is using as a messenger And this is His message for the world to see "Don't follow Clayton, come follow Me"
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