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Live @ La Zona Rosa
by
Bo Burnham
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Lyrics
Art is dead, art is dead, art is dead, art is dead Entertainers like to seem complicated But we're not complicated I can explain it pretty easily Have you ever been to a birthday party for children? And one of the children won't stop screaming? 'Cause he's just a little attention-attractor When he grows up to be a comic or actor He'll be rewarded for never maturing For never understanding or learning That every day can't be about him "There's other people, you selfish a**hole!" I must be psychotic, I must be demented To think that I'm worthy of all this attention Of all of this money you worked really hard for I slept in late while you worked at the drug store My drug's attention, I am an addict But I get paid to indulge in my habit It's all an illusion, I'm wearing makeup I'm wearing makeup, makeup, makeup Art is dead, so, people think you're funny How do we get those people's money? I said, art is dead We're rolling in dough while Carlin rolls in his grave His grave, his grave The show has got a budget The show has got a budget All the poor people way more deserving Of the money won't budge it 'Cause I wanted my name in lights When I could have fed a family of four For forty f**king fortnights Forty f**king fortnights I am an artist; please, God, forgive me I am an artist; please, don't revere me I am an artist; please, don't respect me I am an artist; feel free to correct me A self-centered artist, self-obsessed artist I am an artist, I am an artist But I'm just a kid, I'm just a kid I'm just a kid, kid And maybe I'll grow out of it *clearing throat* Thank you all so much This is the uh, this is the Bo Burnham and uh, No Friends tour 'Cause I don't have any friends with me One of which would've been an opener Which I think just kinda eats up 30 minutes of time And it just makes the show appear longer, and you don't like that I wanna do an encore, encores y'know waste time [mumbles] But what- what wastes more time than all of that is uh Explaining it to you, so... *audience laughter* Haha, (imitating audience) you d*****... Uh, but real talk guys, I got da best fans in da world I got da best fans in da world, honestly man, I got da best fans 'Cuz other fans man, sh*t, they don't pay me, I hate 'em I got da best fans in da world Course you like your fans more than the other fans, they're your fans Or support the arts, support the arts, support the doctors Kill the f**king arts, we're cancer; Doctors come up with that *audience laughter* Give the archaeologists credit, I tell d**k jokes- Yeah! Yeah, I dig it Give me money! *audience laughter* Oh be quiet, what was the last fossil you found? Your mother! *audience laughter and "oooh"s* *Bo walks to piano* How do you get a PhD When all you do is play with a f**king shovel How do you get a PhD When all you do is play with a f**king shovel And wear those ugly f**king lesbian hats From Jura**ic Park You're a lesbian You're a lesbian You picked your job so you could get dirty And covered with dirt, and when you smell so bad 'Cause that's who you are, and you could say "I was digging for sh*t", f**k you and your face You're an archaeologist and you dare to call yourself a doctor Well, if you're a doctor then why the f**k Is everything you touch f**king dead for a million years? But that was a pretty good joke about my mom You're good, I uhm, I uh... *audience laughter and cheering* This next song- that's great, that was great When I go over to the piano you know I'm stumped We love you for that one! *audience laughter* You're good, that was good I uh, uhhoooh This next song isn't done at all, uh, either But it's about how deep I am and I'm pretty f**king deep *audience laughter* I knew you'd laugh, but just, just wait Have you ever stopped to watch a bluebird drop from a tree, and take to the air? Me neither Have you ever took time out to finish a rhyme but the right words just weren't there? Meat cleaver Have you ever looked at your life With a sense of wonder while you wonder why your life Is underwhelming, that was deep Why do I feel most awake when I'm fast asleep Deep, deep Have you ever taken a side of bacon and jacked off watching babe? Me neither Me neither! Have you ever seen a girl on Halloween who looks like she's dressed for a rape? Yup, definitely that Have you ever wondered why Without a reason, then you reason out the why And try to squeeze in, that was gay Gay in a really non-homophobic way I love you like kings love queens Like a gay geneticist loves designer genes I need you like New Orleans needs a drought Like Hitler's father needed to learn to pull out And I want you, yeah Like a lawyer-slash-mathematician wants some kind of proof And I want you Like JFK wanted A car with a roof Is he here? Did she find him? Because love is taking that dive Then getting really comfortable and peeing in the pool And love is a real-life p*** Minus all the stuff that makes p*** cool And love is a homeless guy, searching for treasure in the middle of the rain and Finding a bag of gold coins and slowly finding out they're all filled with chocolate and Even though he's heartbroken, he can't complain cause he was hungry in the first place Lots of love there Because I love you like Dora loves maps Like the Pope's toilet loves holy craps I need you like a voyeur needs a branch Like boys tossing salad need a little bit of Neverland Ranch I wrote it before, so I'm fine And I want you, yeah Like all the gothic kids that look exactly the same never want to conform (what?) And I want you like Anne Frank wanted Nobody to read her f**king diary! Cause a diary is a collection of secret things that no one's supposed to read, that's the whole point of a diary. Millions of people have breached this little girl's privacy after she was chased by Nazis; kick her while she's down And if we met in 10,000 BC I was your caveman, you's my cavelady If we got hot, we'd start rubbing If we got hungry, we'd go clubbing There's woolly mammoths, but I will protect us You're making me devolve to a homo erectus, uh, hominid tree And if we met in 1780 I was a white southern aristocratic plantation owner and you were my dark-skinned servant lady slave *audience cheering* *pulls out guitar* I don't have a pick! Someone's got a pick, this is a hippie hangout, c'mon Give it to me Austin, someone just come up, rush the stage, yeah! *grabs guitar pick from woman* See guys, women are helpful If you know the words, shut the f**k up! What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die And what's domain, domain, range? A kid with too much in his pants And two balls minus one Seven t**les at the Tour de France, yeah Yo, split a decision with long division Take the circ*mference of your circ*mcision Live like your data, when you're all set Put it all together and whatever ya get It's new math It's new math And what's a bag of chips divided by five? Well, that's a Nike worker's meal And Santa clause multiplied by "i?" Well I guess that makes him real And the square root of the NBA is Africa in a box How do ya trace a scatter plot? Ya give the pencil to Michael J. Fox Take the approximate moral proportion of the probable problem of a pro-life abortion Live like your data, when you're all set Put it all together and whatever ya get It's new It's new It's new It's new It's new math And if you took a factor tree of the factors that caused my girl to leave me You'd have a tree Full of Asian p*** C-A-L see you later Mathematical minds make industrial smog What's the opposite of ln(x)? Duraflame the unnatural log Support the farmers with a pro-tractor Link Kennedy and Lincoln with a common factor Live like your data, when you're all set Put it all together and whatever ya get It's new It's new It's new Alright, word problems, ready? If there's a fat guy in a pastry shop with a twenty dollar bill and he's ready to buy In order to predict his volume change you'll need to know the value of pie And there's a metal train that's a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her How long till it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor And if ten percent of men are gay Twenty percent of men are Chinese What are the odds that a man chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees? And if Kim is half as old as Bobby Who is two years older than twelve-year-old Tori For how many more 30 day months will their threesomes be considered statutory rape? Oh Jesus, 'Cause math can be sexy Beause having sex is like quadratic expansion If it can't be split then its time to stop And having sex is like doing fractions It's improper for the larger one to be on top And having sex is like math homework I do it best when I'm alone in my bed And squaring numbers are just like women If they're under thirteen just do them in your head Oh, oh my- *spits, then audience laughter* It's a rocking party in here right? Yeah! Plop, ohh And then ironically you start with a Snicker! I, uh, those are Snickers, uh, thank you guys so much for coming This has been so fun, so crazy, uh I'll be a-over there after the show if you wanna say hi or something It's pretty disappointing but no, uh, I could just see you all And prove I'm not a d*****bag in real life It's just a stage persona, it's crazy, stage personas But then I hope if you, you know, if you came to see all the old stuff you saw enough old stuff and if you came to see new stuff you saw enough new stuff, always a hard balance But uh, thank you so much, uh, I guess that was a good one That was a good transition yeah (Man in audience: Encore!) Okay! *Bo runs off stage and audience cheers, then comes back, flips everyone off, tips over the stool, throws stuff at audience then leaves again* *Bo returns and audience cheers* And uh, *out of breath* thank you *Audience laughter* I feel like hip-hop used to be a voice for the voiceless, you know? Yes! Voiceless *Audience laughter* And now I feel like it's become, at least in the mainstream A symbol of misogyny, y'know, chemical archaeology, gay panic (gay!), fiscal irresponsibility, and honestly it's, it's horrible And I figure, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em Hittin' the club up VIP I got a fake mustache and a fake ID I look like Woolly Willy With a really woolly willy, and I Bypa** the bouncer Pa** by an ex and I flex and bounce her, wowser Look at all of Bo's hoes Lookin' for a ride on Bo's hose, and I Spot a little Latino Booty so big, call it Oprah's ego We go do it, through it She says "Dios mia, mi amigo!" Pull it out, stick it in your mouth And I bust in the back of ya Swallow, b*t*h There's people starving in Africa Single every single day Do it every single way Make the single ladies say "Oooh Bo!" And if I were gay Though I swear I'm straight I'd make the fellas say "Oooh Bo!" I said "Oooh Bo!" "O-o-oooh Bo!", "Woah Bo!", "Oooh Bo!" You're an ice cream sundae with a cherry on top But careful, cherry, cause I'm the King of Pop Pop, pop goes my weasel Now you look like Jackson Pollock's easel Yeah, my suggestion is You don't blow 'til you know what congestion is Swallow when you know what digestion is Follow Bo, the only question is Have you been splattered before By the Mad Hatter matador? Cake batter, never more It don't matter whether you're Spanish, French, Swedish, or Cambodian I'll slime you so hard you could be on Nickelodeon Single every single day Do it every single way Make the single ladies say And if I were gay Though I swear I'm straight I'd make the fellas say Much better Enjoy that pulsing orange light, it's a- It captures the frantic pollutant of the [?] Oh! Oh! [plays random notes] You think that you can handle me? Girl, don't make me laugh My junk is bipolar It'll split you in half, I said it And if you're lucky I might just bring you home And I'll have you going down Like you're growin' an extra chromosome And when you grab me Don't grab me by my buns Cause I got a bad case of the ru-runs I got the runs I got the ru-hu-ho-ha-ha-hu-ho-ha-ha-Ryan Gerry Single every single day Do it every single way Make the single ladies say "Oooh Bo!" And if I were Oh, so if I were Yeah, and if I were I'd like to break it down for ya'll Like an end song I came from the streets, with nothin' Now I'm makin' hit records For my people still livin' in the streets On the streets, under the streets, through the streets I wanna tell you I'm doin' this for you On you, under you, in you My success is your success, spiritually And I know you may be thinkin' "Hey, if you really believe that Why don't you use some of the money To help rebuild the neighborhood Instead of putting spinning rims on a fur jet ski?" Alright? But to that I say... You know what, chorus is comin' up Single every single day Do it every single way Make the single ladies say "Oooh Bo!" And if I were Oh, so if I were Yeah, and if I were You gotta fume like a tuna I'll smell ya later I met a fat chick And I f**ked her in an elevator It was wrong on so many levels Oh, it was wrong on *Throws more stuff at the audience after song*
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